Let’s Talk about Love

By Amarachukwu Okpunobi

While many argue that love is the only tool needed to build a strong and working relationship between two young people of the opposite sex, I believe it goes beyond love. Many books, podcast, series, talks and many other materials have been written about relationships and many are yet to come but one thing I believe is that there is no perfect formula for building a strong relationship.

Just as human hearts are different, so is the way they love. Nevertheless, there are tools which are of great neccessity to building relationships. Here are some excerpts from experts : Josh Klapow; clinical psychologist, Nancy Kislin;therapist and Rachel Dubrow;therapist, on building a strong and working relationship. Hope you find it useful. Read on..

When it comes to love and relationships, it’s all much more complicated than that. And “if you’re only in the relationship because of the feeling of love, you will soon feel that the relationship is slipping. There has to be more going on, like trust, respect, and good communication, or else it’ll become stale — and could even grow toxic over time.

If we are actively seeking these other elements, then there is a much more solid foundation for the relationship to last.

  1. Being Able To Trust Each Other

It doesn’t matter how much you love another person: If you can’t trust them, it isn’t going to work. Trust is essential to healthy relationships, which is why it’s always one of the first things experts look for when assessing a couple’s connection.

Without trust, you’ll live a life of stress and hurt. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend your days with the gut-twisting worry that comes with having a shady or unavailable partner? It’s no way to live, so make trust a goal.

  1. Having A Solid Sense Of Respect

Have you ever had or witnessed this conversation? “My partner’s such a jerk.” “Then why do you stay with them?” “Because I love them.” This classic exchange shows how love can blind you to the reality of a bad situation, including being with someone who doesn’t show you respect.

It’s tempting to look the other way, especially when the idea of breaking up — and losing the person you love so much — sounds positively miserable. Keep in mind, though, how much more important respect is when looking for a solid relationship, than simply being in love.

  1. Feeling Safe & Secure Around Each Other

Are you safe in your relationship? Do you feel secure? If the answer is “no,” then it doesn’t matter even a little bit how much you love the person, especially if it’s become an emotionally abusive relationship. A toxic situation is a toxic situation, no matter how you try to frame it. But it can be really tough to see that when all you’re focused on is love.

  1. Working On Your Overall Sense Of Happiness As A Couple

Everyone wants to be happy, and happiness is really important — even though you won’t be happy all the time. In fact, it’s normal to go long periods of time when you’re unhappy, especially if you’re dealing with a crisis. But when you add up the total happy times versus unhappy times, happy times should come out on top.

  1. Genuinely Liking Each Other

It’s more common than you think for people to stay in relationships with people they don’t actually like because they love them. If you can’t wrap your brain around it, think about that family member who always judges you or isn’t so easy to get along with. You love them, because they’re family, but you don’t actually like being around them.

The same thing can happen with a partner. You might love them so much, but not enjoy hanging out, not make each other laugh, and not have anything in common. So if things have grown stale, take note.

  1. Retaining Your Sense Of Self

You were a “you” before you were a “we,” and you should continue to be a “you” when you get in a relationship. There’s no amount of love that’s worth giving up the essence of who you are. If you get into a relationship and you ultimately lose yourself, forget your own interests, and give up on your goals, that’s a problem.

Were you in the middle of writing a book? Were they training for a half marathon? Encouraging each other to go back to your own hobbies and interests actually result in a greater sense of love, as well as a more meaningful relationship.

  1. Hanging Onto Your Independence In The Relationship

In a similar vein, feeling free to do the things you want to do, to be yourself, to go places, and to have your own thoughts and feelings, is not just important in a relationship — it’s essential. By completing losing all that to love, you’ll actually be doing it as disservice.

You can (and obviously should) include your partner in your decisions, but you should also feel free to decide what’s best for you, and to carve out your own path when necessary. As an example, this might look like going to grad school on the opposite side of the country for a few years, even though it means being apart. The right partner will understand and support you.

  1. Creating A Fair Partnership

There’s nothing better than being with someone who is a true partner in crime. When that’s the case, it’ll feel like you can handle anything as a couple, no matter what life throws your way. If the relationship is unequal, though, and only one person is making an effort, it’ll quickly go downhill.

Working on striking a balance when it comes to things like chores, emotional support, and so on is essential to creating the type of relationship that lasts. Sure, you can help each other out, and show love by stepping up when necessary and being supportive. But be sure to check in regularly so things remain fair.

  1. Updating Each Other About Your Needs

It’s completely possible to have a great, happy relationship with little to no sex, if that’s what you both want, or if you’ve found a way to make it work. But if sex is something that’s really important to you, and no matter what you do, you can’t get on the same sexual page, you’re going to have some unhappy times.

This takes us back to the idea that your happiness is more important than love. You can work on your sexual compatibility, of course, but if you’ve tried everything and you’re tired of trying, it doesn’t matter how much you love your partner. Holding back or feeling like your needs aren’t being met will become a major issue.

  1. Working On Your Communication Skills

Communication is the gasoline in love’s engine, which is why there can’t be real, lasting love without it. You need communication in a relationship to set boundaries, express your love, fix problems, talk about your needs, and even to have good sex.

You can have all the love in the world, but good communication is going to be what makes things work long-term. “Getting ‘on the same page’ is important in relationships,” Dubrow says, “so that you can learn to move through the challenging times.”

  1. Feeling Ready For The Relationship

Sometimes the heart is totally complicated. You can love someone, but not want to be with them, or not want to be with them right now. You might have other goals, you might feel emotionally unavailable, or you might just not be ready to make a commitment. Timing is important here, too, which is why wanting to be in the relationship can outweigh love.

If things feel a bit off, talking with your partner about what you want, and where you see things going long-term, can help you both figure out if what you have is actually, truly working. All relationships are different, and a lot of problems are solvable. But love — while wonderful and obviously necessary — isn’t the only ingredient, or even (arguably) the most important ingredient, in a healthy relationship.